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Dear Catherine,
My husband died five years ago. Though I am no longer in what I
would call a state of grief, I find that any strong sense of meaning
has disappeared from my life. This week in particular I am noticing
that, although I have signed up for three new classes and a volunteer
activity that interests me, I feel mostly exhaustion and dread at
the prospect, a feeling of "so what." I realize this
a common reaction—in her new book, Joan Didion talks about
the loss of meaning with the loss of a spouse. But now, after all
this time, I feel I should be further along in this process of finding
a way to live this new version of my life. Any suggestions would
be appreciated.
Thank you,
JW, Portland, OR
Dear JW,
While some of what you have described is expected or perhaps even
necessary suffering, the phrase in your letter, "I feel I
should be further along in this process..." is the key to
your unnecessary suffering. It is natural and normal that you would
have grief over the loss of your husband. It is also natural and
normal that there may be an extended--even indefinite--time of readjustment
to life after having lived in the company of someone one loved very
deeply. There is no need to add any further distress by expecting
to feel differently, to have found profound meaning in grief or
in existence, or to see through the veils of life and death. It
would be enough to simply find acceptance for where you are in this
process, to whisper to yourself, "Okay, such as it is."
In this you may find a great inner space around the rest of the
distressing feelings, space enough in which to live your new life.
Catherine
Dear Catherine,
I am finding it very difficult to live in this world. I sometimes
think of myself as a "bubble boy" like those kids who
have to live in a plastic tent because they are allergic to everything.
I am not allergic but I feel that everything is really hard and
that there is not much future and not much point to anything. I
listen to Kurt Cobain a lot and I think that he really understood
how things are. My parents think I am depressed, but I feel that
I am just seeing the world for what it is and that it is totally
fucked up. I don't know why I am writing to you since I don't believe
anyone has an answer, but I liked some of the answers in your column
in the past.
JJ, Portland, OR
Dear JJ,
You are absolutely right that the world can appear as a horrible
place, hopeless for a sensitive person to manage. That is one vantage
point and any rational person can make a very good case for it.
However, there are other perspectives that can exist side by side
with that perspective. For instance, there is the perspective that
sees that there is a lot of beauty, mercy, and love in this world
as well. And a rational person can make quite a good case for those
being reasons enough to live. This is not to deny the horrid. It
is to say that the horrid and the beauty co-exist. You may be out
of balance in seeing the darkness. You don't need any more evidence
for understanding that the world can be horrible. Yes, sure it can.
But now you need to start seeing the ways in which the world is
also beautiful. Open your eyes and heart and it is there, all around
you. (And maybe cut back on the Kurt Cobain for a while.)
Catherine
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