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'08
Dear Catherine,
As an eighteen-year-old girl, I am plagued with comparing myself
to others and most of the time feel that I am less smart, less beautiful,
and less talented. Even though I'm an A student in college and have
been told I'm physically beautiful, this knot in my gut tells me
I'm not good enough. It didn't come from my parents because you
couldn't ask for a more supportive family. I'm doing it to myself
and am really ready to be free of it. But how?
—C.D., Maui, Hawaii
Dear C.D.,
Our consumerist culture is largely to blame for the feelings of
fierce competition and fixations on beauty that so many young women
(and women of all ages) struggle with. It is fine to want to excel
at things and also to enjoy looking your best. But constant comparing
that results in negative feelings about yourself and a knot in your
stomach indicate that you have overlooked the true basis of self
worth. You will need to remind yourself that your worth is not based
in beating out the competition or being the most beautiful girl
in the room. Your worth is based in your capacity to extend and
receive love. That is how you will be valued by others and how you
will value yourself. When all is said and done, it will be all that
ever mattered. Sometimes people don't realize this until the very
end of their lives. You would be lucky—and wise—to realize
this at the age of eighteen.
—Catherine
Dear Catherine,
My relatives, sisters and brother living in Texas, want me to visit
during the holidays, which would involve a long plane trip, being
there for only three days, then flying back. While it would be nice
to see them and I do love them, I really don't feel like doing this.
Instead I would like some quiet time alone. I have been working
very hard lately and feel that I need this vacation time to catch
my breath. I don't want to disappoint them, but I would like to
spend the time in my own way. How do I deal with this in a way that
will not cause either guilty feelings should I decline their invitations
or resentment on my own part if I do as they wish? Thank you.
—A.C., Oakland
Dear A.C.,
If you come from a place of love when explaining your situation
to your relatives, you may find their understanding is such that
no guilty feelings arise on your part. If they do not seem to offer
understanding for your absence, you may still feel peaceful about
the matter, knowing that you deeply care for them and that you spoke
from your heart about the need to take care of yourself at this
time. I would also recommend sending them each a very thoughtful
gift and personal note.
—Catherine
Dear Catherine,
I have a successful career as a professor, yet I have lost interest
in everything I'm good at and that society rewards me for. I am
drawn instead to a much more simple and spiritual life—meditation,
walking in nature, helping others in need—but these activities
produce no income. All my friends tell me I would be a fool to walk
away from all that I have built over twenty-five years. So I go
through the motions of my career for security even though it has
become empty. What advice do you have?
—A.A., Santa Barbara
Dear A.A.,
It is one of those poignant realities of life for some of us that
just when we are getting really good at something, we lose interest
in it. As Leonard Cohen aptly says in a verse in one of his songs:
You lose your grip / And then you slip / Into the masterpiece.
For many people, when they have truly lost their grip, they find
themselves freed of the need to impress anyone. They are no longer
anxious about their abilities, and it is precisely then that they
might go on to produce their finest masterpieces. But some people's
natures demand that they move on, try something new, give up all
security, shake it all up again. That willingness to free fall into
the unknown can produce a different kind of masterpiece. Take some
time for quiet and feel into which possibility your body seems most
relaxed in contemplating. If you are true to your nature, you can
walk either path—staying or moving on—with dignity.
—Catherine
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