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Dear Catherine,
I was born and raised an Irish Catholic. From the time I was young
I had no interest in Catholicism or any other religion, but it seems
that the feelings of guilt and a distrust of happiness have solidly
made their way into me. I can laugh with the rest of them and I
do allow myself an ironic humor, but I don’t seem to ever really
let go into joy. Something always stops me inside—a feeling that
I am doing something wrong. Do you have any recommendations for
getting rid of it? ~L.M., Dublin, Ireland
Dear L.M.,
As British biologist and author Richard Dawkins points out, the
religious conditioning that dampens and makes suspect all enjoyment
of life is a form of child abuse. It is time we see it as such.
But recognizing the conditioning is a first step. One has to challenge
and override this conditioning when, at the first sign of joy, that
sinking or guilty feeling starts to arise. Let your attention quickly
deconstruct the negative feeling (“there’s that ole religious nonsense
again”) and then, without reacting to the fact that it has arisen,
shift the attention onto the pleasurable feeling or emotion. This
is a reversal of an old habit and need not occur all at once. It
is enough that it gradually diminishes over time. You may also want
to join The Awakening Joy Course online with James Baraz (www.AwakeningJoy.info
) to literally practice happiness. ~Catherine
Dear Catherine,
When I am with people I am always trying to entertain them, and
I end up doing a lot of the talking. I have to admit that it makes
people uncomfortable sometimes, which I usually don’t notice until
I think about it later. Sometimes I notice even while I am in the
middle of doing it, but I can’t stop. It is something that I have
lived with for a long time, and it affects my friendships and also
my position at work. Recently some friends had a gathering to which
I was not invited. When I asked about it, one friend said that they
just wanted to have a chance to talk with each other, implying that
if I were there, they would not have been able to. I was hurt by
this and want to accommodate them, but I also want to be myself
as I am and be accepted as that. Please comment. ~E.B., Gresham,
Oregon
Dear E.B.,
There may be another option that you have not considered whereby
you don’t contort yourself into a different shape in order to be
accepted, and at the same time you no longer dominate your social
situations with excessive talking and entertaining. A little restraint
seems in order. Cut back on the entertainment, listen more, and
talk less. If that feels too compromising for you, then you have
the choice to accept the occasional exclusion from the company of
your friends—or find new friends who enjoy you exactly as you are.
~Catherine
Dear Catherine,
My best friend and my husband have begun to develop such a special
bond that I no longer feel comfortable having her over to our house
and I have also been withdrawing from her in our friendship. She
is hurt by this, especially because, as she and my husband both
assure me, nothing inappropriate has ever gone on between them.
But I notice little things that make me feel that something could
happen with them in the future, the way they are always laughing
at each other’s jokes, for instance, or the way that they sometimes
look at each other. I hate to be so petty and jealous, but I can’t
seem to relax in their company any longer. She and I are both very
upset about the situation and though we have had some talks about
it, I don’t see any other way to deal with this. I don’t want to
be in the cop position of making sure that the two of them are not
having too many laughs or that they don’t look at each other too
much. ~N.N., San Anselmo, CA
Dear N.N.,
If having your friend and your husband in the same house is intolerable
for you, then don’t do it. (Your fear is not entirely unjustified,
given the number of times that best friends and mates run off together;
putting naturally compatible people in the same room foments this
possibility.) You could perhaps continue your friendship with your
friend on neutral ground for the time being. However, you didn’t
mention your husband’s position in this or your own feelings with
regard to him. There is an issue of trust that you will need to
examine or you may find yourself having to exile yet another woman
friend from your home, and, of course, your home is not the only
place your husband might enjoy the company of women. It may be that
you are fending off a particularly risky situation by curtailing
your best friend’s home visits, or it may be a symptom of a deeper
issue within your marriage. ~Catherine
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